I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m just playing devils avocado here