Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.