Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!