Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Spa day..😅
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.