I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
need him
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
work smarter, not harder
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
He-man has a Masters degree
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.