I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.