Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
You Might Also Like
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
me when I see my crush
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it