“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Found the job I’m suited for
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled