Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”