me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries