Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
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Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself