Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
You Might Also Like
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.