Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
as is their right
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.