[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
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I identify as an antique shop.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: