ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.