doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Goodnight 🐶
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle