Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.