Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Ferrari squats
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Put a ring on it
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.