Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
You Might Also Like
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.