An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”