It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Pickled cat.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”