Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”