My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.