*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I saw nothing
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?