I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd