[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
You Might Also Like
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans