I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.