therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Bike for sale
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.