My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.