Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.