[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
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[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
jesus, what did this guy do
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD