CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.