I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.