I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
That’s it.I’m out.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“What movie?” 🤔
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.