ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Somebody call the cops.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..