Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My what?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
This could be us but you eatin’
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.