Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.