What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
nature’s most graceful animal
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day