The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
We all have our pet causes.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?