Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
You Might Also Like
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”