You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”