Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”