If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession