One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
iPhone X
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.