I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
A short story of betrayal:
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?