Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?