The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
You Might Also Like
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no