Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.