Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Bringing home a sharpie
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
As the Lord intended
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?