Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
You Might Also Like
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
HELP 😭
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.